Q: Do you have any advice for guys who become speechless when they see a woman they want to meet and can’t think of anything to say?

A: Just relax and be yourself. Lead in with a question that won’t result in a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response so that way you can get her to utter more than just a one syllable word. Do a quick check on her ring finger and make sure she isn’t wearing a ring and if she’s giving you a warm response to your questions, ask her out to lunch. If she says no, shrug it off and go on about your business.

Katwoman

Q: Hi, I'm a guy going on a date for Valentine's Day with this girl, and it will be our first date. What do you recommend as far as the plans for the date?

A: You must be a romantic at heart because I don’t know of too many guys that would ever go for a first date happening on Valentine’s Day. First things first; call right this second and make reservations at your restaurant of choice and cross your fingers that they aren’t already booked for the evening. Other than that, I’d recommend treating the date as you would any other first date. Maybe surprise her with some handmade chocolates from a local candy shop or some pink and red flowers. If the eatery is in a pedestrian friendly part of town, opt for taking a stroll afterwards so that the conversation can continue. If you can’t seem to score any dinner reservations for the night, offer to cook up a nice meal at your place just for the two of you. You can wow her with your domestic side and make the date a bit more intimate without the interruption of wait staff.

Katwoman

Q: Love your column! The grocery store, I shop at the cashier is beautiful and with no ring, what is the best way to ask her out?

A: Sounds like you’ve been taking the term ‘check out’ to a whole different level! I’d say to test the waters first. Flirt with her when you go through her line at the store. Joke around (because women love guys with a sense of humor!) and ask her if she has a boyfriend. If she says no then it’s your opportunity to follow her answer with something like, ‘So, how about I take you out one of these nights?’ Simple as that.

Katwoman

Q: What to I do after weeks of romancing with gifts, flowers, meals, cuddling and she still has no interest in sex compared to 10 years ago!! Now what to do?????

A: First off, I’d hardly consider ‘meals’ in the classification of romancing someone. Everyone needs to eat! That said, there could be different things going on with her. Is she under a great deal of stress? It’s certainly something that could be hindering her desire to be intimate with you. Have you changed physically? As hard as it is to hear this, perhaps she just isn’t attracted to you anymore. Things like running a household, a career, taking care of children are all things that can overwhelm someone, especially when one person is responsible for all three. Maybe that’s what is going on and if so, lend a hand around the house without being asked. Women and their sex drives operate different than that of a man’s. Have you told her how beautiful you think she is? I’m not sure how long all of this has been going on, but I say give it a bit more time. Talk openly with her about your desire to be intimate with her. Sometimes talking about a problem is all that’s needed in order to rectify it before it gets too far out of hand.

Katwoman

Q: I’ve got a girlfriend that is text messaging me round the clock. If I don’t respond to her right away, she gives me the third degree. I like her, but I don’t like being sweated like this. Any ideas on how to get her off my back without coming off as a jerk?

A: Your girlfriend has some insecurity issues she needs to be confronted about. Let her know that you want to ease up on all the text messaging so that you don’t feel like you have to check in with her every time you go to do something. She’s sure to get defensive, but you need to stand up for yourself in order to get her to back off. Reassure her that you’re a trustworthy boyfriend. If she continues to text message you to no avail, don’t respond to any of the messages for a while. She’ll eventually get the hint and back off.

Katwoman

Q: I’m a 24 year old female with above average looks (according to my friends) and I have an outgoing personality. It seems that guys never seem to call me back for a second date once I tell them I’m still a virgin. What gives?

A: Sounds like you’re dropping too much information on a first date. As I’ve mentioned in a previous article some time back, a first date is not the time to air out your dirty laundry. Popping a virgin is not something a guy that’s casually dating is looking for because a ‘first time’ is a pretty big deal. So much so that guys may be leery of you becoming clingy after doing the horizontal mambo for the first time. It happens. It’s best to leave the topic of sex off the table for a bit – or at least don’t mention it on a first date. Let a guy get to know you for you, not for your sexual history, or in your case, lack there of. If you are hell bent on saving intercourse for marriage, you may be hard pressed to find a guy in this day and age willing to stick with you through the long haul.

Katwoman

Q: I have a friend that treats his girlfriend terribly. I’ve seen him make fun of her and put her down and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m not sure if it’s my place to say anything or not. What should I do?

A: It sounds as though your friend has self esteem and maybe even some control issues. First and foremost, his girlfriend needs to wise up and give this joker the boot. If the situation arises again, make light of his teasing and throw out a quip or two about his own behavior in a joking manner. Maybe say something like, ‘hey Jack (ass), why don’t you pick on someone your own size for a change?’ That is unless the girlfriend is larger than him. In that case, I’d nix a comeback like that! After a couple of witty comebacks here and there directed towards him, he’s sure to catch on and take the hint to ease up on the teasing – at least in front of you. Who knows, maybe it’ll give his girlfriend a bit of confidence to stand up for herself as well.

Katwoman

Q: I’m often confused how long I should wait to call a girl after a first date when the date goes well. I’ve heard anywhere from 2 days to a week. What’s the real length of time?

A: Following some pre-determined set of rules is hogwash. If the date went well and you think there might be some mutual chemistry, then give her a call the next afternoon if you feel so inclined. Don’t over think it. Just go with the flow. Let her know you had a really great time and would like to see her again soon. No harm in that.

Katwoman

Q: I have friends, many friends, many great friends that I have a lot of things in common with. The one thing that they all do have and I don’t is a companion. I’m not writing this because I feel sorry for myself, but because it just feels as though there really is no guy out there for me.

A: Tsk! Tsk! With the internet and the plethora of dating sites out there now (perfectmatch, friendfinder, eharmony, etc.) it’s hard to believe that you haven’t found a compatible mate yet. Perhaps you are too picky or too difficult to deal with. Yeah, that may be hard to hear, but I believe there are many compatible people for each and every person out there. You have access to a world full of eligible bachelors as close as your fingertips. Be realistic in what you want. If you have your heart set on marrying into a Royal family, then yes, your chances are slim to none. If you’re willing to open your eyes and heart to more common folk, you might be delightfully surprised to find a prince or two right under your nose minus the need to learn to curtsy.

Katwoman

Q: I think my boyfriend and my best friend are seeing each other behind my back. Help!

A: Without giving me more evidence as to why you’ve come to this conclusion, I am not sure how it is you are wanting me to help you. If you suspect something is going on, then you should confront your boyfriend. Site reasons why you feel there is something more to their relationship than just a friendship and if there is, then you need to cut them both loose because you don’t need people like that in your life.

Katwoman

Q: My boyfriend is always staring at women that are well-endowed when we’re out in public. This makes me feel awkward because not only does he do it when I’m with him, but I have small breasts as it is. Why is he with me if he is so attracted to women with those attributes?

A: Have you mentioned to your boyfriend that his actions make you feel uncomfortable and less attractive? If not, you need to. Let him know that he’s been making you unsure about your own physical appearance. Your boyfriend is with you because he’s attracted to you. Men (and women) can be attracted to more than one type of person. It doesn’t mean that he finds you undesirable just because he looks at other women. Some men just have roaming eyes and lack common courtesy because they think with the wrong head too often. Set him straight and tell him how it makes you feel when he does such things. Don’t just let it eat you up inside.

Katwoman

Q: My husband and I got married last May. Ever since we’ve been married, he’s become more and more controlling of me. We had been together for 3 years before getting married and I never saw any of this beforehand. I asked him about it and he just shrugged it off and said that it’s the man’s role to be in charge of his castle. If I knew marriage was going to be like this, I wouldn’t have signed up! I don’t know what to do. I love him dearly, but am not a fan of being told what to do.

A: It sounds as though your new husband is stuck in the 1950’s. Women deserve their own independence just like men. Your husband’s caveman approach to your relationship is unwarranted and outdated. Stand up for yourself now before his behavior gets out of hand. Remind him that marriage is a 50/50 partnership and just because you signed on the dotted line does not mean you signed over your freedom to make decisions. Be strong and don’t take that nonsense from him any longer!

Katwoman

Q: I’m thinking of trying speed dating. What do you think of it?

A: Any chance you have at meeting a potential mate in a safe environmentis a good thing. Speed dating is a great way to meet and interact witha group of men or women, have small talk and yet not have to foot thebill for dinner! Go for it and be sure to report back here at AskKatwoman to let us know how the experience was for you.

Katwoman

Q: I’ve been chatting with a guy I met on an online dating site for about a month. We always had things to talk about, but when it came time for us to have our first face to face meeting, things weren’t as they first seemed. Don’t get me wrong, he looked just like he did in his photos, but the conversation just wasn’t there. He said that I looked even prettier in person, so I don’t think it was my looks that caused it either. What happened?

A: It sounds like the two of you got in the comfort zone of talking behind your keyboard and now that you’ve finally met face to face, there aren’t any of those familiar surroundings anymore. I recommend the two of you see one another again very soon and put the talking online behind you for a while until you can recognize his tone in his writing. Some people can’t write as clearly as they speak so their tone can come across as something totally different than it’s meant to sound. For instance, you may have LOL’d at something he wrote, only to find out later on that he was actually being serious in his remark. If it doesn’t work out between the two of you, you may be destined for being online cyber buddies. Just take note. The next time you feel like you may have a perfect match with someone else you meet online, keep the e-mail correspondence brief at the beginning. Plan to meet the same week so as not to fall back into that comfort zone again.

Katwoman

Q: I’m a 37 year old male and ready to settle down. The problem is that I now can’t seem to find women who want the same thing. What happened to all those ladies that were trying to tie me down back in my 20’s?

A: Whether you’re looking for someone to settle down with or looking for someone to date, it seems as though the chances are slim to none at finding someone. When you’re not looking at all is when that person and you will cross paths. No matter how you slice it, life just seems to unfold that way – unless of course you are partaking in an arranged marriage. Another thought could be that when you go out on dates, are you mentioning your desire to get married too soon – like on a first date? If so, you could be scaring the potential Mrs. away. Even if a woman is considering settling down, the sheer thought of discussing it with someone he just met is not a way to win her over.
To at least narrow down your search for a lifelong partner, you should seriously consider online personals ads. There’s more of a chance to find like-minded ladies online and with a plethora of listings these days, why not at least take a gander with it. I recommend starting with a couple different sites such as Perfect Match and Mingle Match. Your future wife could just be a few clicks away!

Katwoman

Q: My new boyfriend seems to break down and cry over the silliest things like a waiter not getting his order right at a restaurant. I feel awkward when he does this. How do I handle this guy?

A: Sadly, I’ve had the same problem in the past with a guy I dated. I’m all for a guy being sensitive and being in tune with his emotions, but when he broke down and cried because a guy he worked with rolled his eyes at him, it just became downright embarrassing. I had no choice but to cut him loose! Okay, so you want to know how to handle this guy you just started seeing. My first inclination is to GET OUT while you still can! Kidding aside, if you do like most everything else about the relationship, you should sit down and have a talk with him. Express to him your concerns about his emotional state. Let him know that it makes you feel awkward first and foremost. Ask him if he has anything going on that he needs to talk about. If you don’t feel like you’ve gotten anywhere with him, I suggest you encourage him to seek counseling so that he can have a professional help him dig deeper and figure out why he has such a strong emotional reaction to such situations as you described. He may have a chemical imbalance and there are medications a doctor can prescribe to help him lead a more normal life.

Katwoman

Q: I’m a lesbian and I find myself growing increasingly attracted to a straight female friend. So much so that I am seriously thinking about telling her how I feel. What are the effects this could have on our relationship?

A: Given the wording of your question, I have a sense that you may already be aware of the effect this could have on your friendship. It’s completely acceptable to have these feelings for her; however, you said it yourself. She’s straight. Though I am sure she would be flattered by your interest to some degree, I do not think you’d be greeted with the reaction you are hoping you might receive. Perhaps what you have for your female friend is merely an infatuation. Though I am all for putting things out on the table and letting people know how you feel about them (both good or bad), I also think that mature judgment should be a factor in the choices you make as well. Jeopardizing the current relationship weighs heavily at this point and time because she is not a lesbian.

Katwoman

Q: My ex-boyfriend and I met through a mutual friend. Now that we’ve split up, who should get ownership of the friend?

A: Dividing up the friends after a break-up… I foresee an upcoming article in the column related to that topic. In the meantime, I’ll try to address it briefly here. This is one of those things that can put the person in the middle in a very uncomfortable position. Your best plan of action is to take the high road. Learn to share. You may have the urge to ask your mutual friend if the other party has said anything about you, but don’t! It’s best that you don’t put your friend in the middle of your break-up and just stay mum about the whole thing unless he or she asks, and even at that, keep the conversation upbeat as best you can. No matter how bad you may think you want it, you really don’t want to put your friend in a position to have to choose sides. After all, you wouldn’t want to have to do that if the shoe was on the other foot now would you?

Katwoman

Q: I am seeing a woman I met online. We have actually met and been together only 3 times. However, things went well and I really like her. After our second encounter, I approached her about our online profiles still being there and active. She made it clear that she did not like it that I continued to remain available online. So, I removed myself. But she is still there. When I brought this up, she told me that she has made friends with different individuals that she enjoys talking to, but never intends to meet. She asked me to trust her. She has also informed me since then that she does not like to be pressured. She now says she did not tell me to discontinue my profile, yet at the time made it clear she was mad I was still there. I feel I am not being respected. I also feel I am not getting in return what I am giving. I would really like to continue seeing her. Am I being naive?

A: Great question! From the sounds of it, she must have left ‘control freak’ out of her description in her online profile. For someone you’ve only known for such a short period of time, she has wasted none in trying to control you and the relationship. Unless you want to continue to be walked all over, you really should put a stop to this immediately. Let her know that a one sided relationship is not what you had in mind and you feel that if she wants you to take her seriously, she needs to put a halt to her online shenanigans. If these people are her friends as she says they are, then e-mail communication would be more appropriate, not correspondence via an online gathering site. Your feelings of not being respected are valid. Don’t hide this from her and don’t be suckered into her trap. Be open and honest from the get-go. If she can’t grasp that what she’s doing is wrong, then you need to move on and find someone else that can.

Katwoman

Q: I need space. The problem is, my girlfriend just doesn’t ‘get it.’ I don’t want to break up with her, I just want to be able to spend a night or two doing things I like to do alone. We’ve been together for just under a year and I really care about her, but I could use advice on how to let her know without offending her.

A: It happens to the best of us. Making someone understand the whole ‘I need space’ thing is sometimes next to impossible. Everyone is entitled to their own personal time. An option the two of you might try is to reserve a certain day or afternoon reserved as ‘my time.’ She gets hers and you get yours. Of course, she may combat that suggestion with something like, ‘I don’t need to have personal time. I want to spend it with you.’ If that’s the case, just saying something like, ‘well, my brain isn’t wired like that sweetheart. With my crazy work schedule, I need some time to just diffuse and take in a good book or catch a wave every now and again. Just give me this time to myself and I promise we’ll both be happier for it.’ Hold your ground. Defend your space. Make it a point to make time for you. She’ll eventually get the hint. If not, then send her off to the spa for an afternoon for a pedicure or manicure. That’ll keep her busy for a while and you can go on and do what you need to do without any interruptions.

Katwoman

Q: Hello, I'm in my 40's, and married with 2 kids, the problem is my wife has no interest in sex. What should I do?

A: A sexless marriage isn’t all that uncommon anymore, partly do to the trend of so much going on in households these days, especially when there are kids in the house. Oftentimes, the sexless marriage becomes the big pink elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about – with both parties going on about their lives on a daily basis, all the while increasing tension is mounting. Both you and your wife need to get to know one another again. Sit down and talk about ‘the elephant’ without any distractions. Start having date night once a week so that the two of you can begin having alone time – like you did prior to becoming parents. It’s going to take an effort from both of you to get out of this rut you’re stuck in. Give it a couple of months. If nothing seems to have changed, you’ll both need to weigh in on other options, such as separating, an open marriage or divorce.

Katwoman

Q: Hello Katwoman, Lately, I have been getting dates by posting at enterto's classified ads http://classifieds.enterto.com/ because it's free. The problem is that a woman with whom I have been corresponding with sent me a picture that must have been one of those glamour shots, cause when we met in person, WOW what a difference. I could tell that it was the same person but I was not attracted to her at all. After all the emails back and forth she is going to know that the reason I do not want to see her again must be because of her looks. How do I let her down without hurting her feelings? Or is there some other excuse that I can use? I really don't want to hurt anyone.

A: Wow, I’d hate to be in your shoes. That’s a sticky situation to be in; however, I feel honesty is the best policy. Don’t dance around the subject because you’ll just be leading her on. Lead with the positives (she’s a cool lady, etc.), but let her know that the pairing of the two of you is lacking chemistry. Be firm with your decision. She may be one of those needy types that will try to convince you otherwise. Keep the conversation short and to the point. Her feelings might be hurt a little, but it’s better to end it now before you get in too far over your head.

Katwoman

Q: Love your column. For my job, I travel a lot and I came home early from a business trip and caught my wife, in the sack with the local UPS man. She claims it was a one time thing, and wants me to forgive her. We have been married for 7 years, I can't decide what to do. Thanks for any advice.

A: Cheating is cheating whether it happens once or multiple times. If you want to continue with the marriage, I suggest the two of you seek couples counseling together to begin working on building trust in the relationship. What your wife did was selfish and thoughtless. Once the line of trust has been broken, it takes a great deal of work to rebuild it without any jagged edges again. On another note, if the incident happened while this UPS man was on the clock, you may want to consider phoning the local branch he works out of and filing a complaint. The satisfaction you’d get from the embarrassment this would cause is worth making the phone call for. (insert evil laugh here) From here on out, I recommend switching to FedEx to handle all your packaging needs as well.

Katwoman

Q: I’ve been married for a few years now and my wife is always getting hit on. It bothers me when guys flirt with her, sometimes right in front of me. How do I stop this from happening?

A: I’m sure your wife knows the boundaries required in a marriage and she is taking the flirtations with a grain of salt. I say, don’t worry about it unless you feel as though she may stray. If she isn’t flirting back, then you can be reassured that she only has eyes for you and let it all roll off your back.

Katwoman

Q: My wife always wants to go to visit family during the holidays, but I would rather stay home. She sees no point in staying home since we are newly married and don’t have kids. Is this a battle I’ll ever be able to win?

A: The holiday season is a time when many married couples have disagreements more than any other time of year. This is where you can hone your negotiation skills though. Offer up, say Thanksgiving to go visit family and then stay home and host a Christmas or Hanukkah party at your house. Or, just reserve that holiday for the two of you. Either way, she’ll be able to celebrate with family and you’ll also get to stay home each season.

Katwoman

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